Partners in Focus: Navigating ADHD in Relationships

Recently I have been working with a lot of couples where one or both of the partners identify as neurodivergent, I have specifically worked a lot with ADHD in this realm. Since I have been seeing this more prevalent in my clinical work, I thought I would share my thoughts and observations for other couples who may experience the same thing. In this blog, I want to focus on couples where one partner’s brain is neurotypical and the other’s is neurodivergent. 

This can be an interesting dynamic to experience in a relationship. A lot of the work I do consists of utilizing psychoeducation in order to help the neurotypical partner understand how the other person’s brain works a little differently. Many patterns of conflict arise in these relationships because it can be so difficult to understand the other person’s point of view. But some of the most rewarding work to do is to bring clarity in moments of conflict that help both partners see that they were just looking at things from a different perspective. 

This brings me to noticing patterns of conflict that tend to have a similar root with many of the couples I have worked with who experience this dynamic. For someone with ADHD, there can be many points of frustration internally with themselves and externally with their partner because of their struggle with executive functioning skills. Here are a few common experiences that can create moments of dysregulation within relationships:

• Forgetfulness

• Difficulties with emotion regulation

• Staying focused on conversations

• Time management

• Tendency to engage in escapism

First, I want to say that these are symptoms and experiences that should not evoke shame but rather reflection. So many neurodivergent folks struggle with shaming themselves for struggling with daily tasks because they were always told that they should be able to do these things. This can easily come into play in a relationship as well because that shame narrative can be projected onto your partner. I want to encourage you to work on letting go of that shame and pick up the mantle of reflection in order to notice how this impacts your daily life and your partner’s. After taking time to reflect on this, it can be helpful to open up to your partner about the difficulties you experience with managing these symptoms. This can help balance the mental load between both of you and better manage the small moments of tension that can come up in daily life. 

As the neurotypical partner, there are some helpful tips that can help you lessen the feelings of shame for your partner and alleviate some of the moments of conflict that show up throughout the day. I would encourage you to have an open-mind and get curious about the inner-workings of your partner’s brain. This can create a deeper understanding of what they are experiencing on a daily basis. Additionally, it can be helpful to talk through ways that you can help your partner when they are overwhelmed by task management or having a hard time emotionally regulating. Here are some helpful and practical tips to creating more balance and alleviating some of communication difficulties that come up:

• Having a shared google calendar

• Listing out difficult experiences and matching them with your partner’s needs when they come up

• Scheduled weekly check-ins on communication skills throughout the week

• Dopamine hacks: having small things or goodies around to spark motivation when your partner is struggling with task management

Overall, I hope this was helpful in offering some insight into engaging in a relationship with one neurotypical partner and one neurodivergent partner. The most important takeaway is to have patience with one another and each take the role of curiosity when it comes to trying to better understand each other. This was just insight into a very small piece of the experiences of being neurodivergent, so I encourage you to engage in a lifetime of being open-minded and learning more about each other as you go.

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